I would like to profusely thank FIDE for their current ban on different genders in the sport, as few people in this modern age remember how much GENITALIA plays a part in chess. (in depth historical overview below)

I have been alive long enough to remember how things were before the internet. And genitalia–mens’ of course!–played a huge role in the chess world.

(Side note: I’m sorry to say I never got in to chess when I was younger. I feel I probably would have dominated the sport)

The Joy of Chess

Strategically, contestants were supposed to whip out their penises at the beginning of a match and officials would measure them. The size of the penis–down to the fractions of an inch–would determine the length of time a player had to decide on making a move. The winner of the official pecker-measuring contest would choose, at the start of the game but BEFORE the measuring, whether the shorter or longer of the two dicks would be used to calculate that time.

This, of course, was completely upset by people with female genitalia entering the game, because, effectively, the choice then was between some length of time and zero. It was fairly common for chess champions to take on that zero, only to learn that people with female genitalia were better at snap decisions than the slower-paced, rational thinking, intellectual giants that were men (as proposed by Bobby Fischer and Ilya Smirin).

The Embarrassment of Women

That’s why everyone thinks that genitalia are not involved. It was Judit Polgar’s win in ’96 that forced FIDE to start using standardized times instead of dick-measuring contests and pictures of those contests have always been rare (due to an often-used rule protecting professional chess players from granting competitors a psychological advantage).

And thus, sadly, a truly important part of chess history was lost before the internet could preserve it.

Now, true chess afficianados may remember that the oldest chess sets feature pieces that have penises on them. The King, knights, bishops, and rooks. Some were even solely composed of penises (to be specific, this has never, to my knowledge, included pawns).

In those older games, the Queen was an imaginary piece (not depicted). This is why she could “move” in any direction.

Knights had probably the most ornate cocks in the game, but they could only use them when bent.

The Stunning Thrust of Rooks

Most modern chess players know them as a representative piece thrusting in to the sky. But the name “rook” came from the term “rok”, which is Persian, and it meant a chariot thrusting forward. Pictured here: an ancient (and stylized) rok piece

But “rook” is not the only name for the piece. A rook was also called a rector, which is an ecclesiastical term. And that puts it on par with the bishops.

It should go without saying, given that we have a King, two bent knights, and four members of the clergy, that all of the pawns represent children.

Anyway, if anyone happens to dig up any more pictures of the oldest phallic chesspieces or, better yet, some of ye olde measuring contests (please make them safe for posting!), drop them to this thread. I’m feeling nostalgic.

Oh… and I should note that, mainly due to FIDE, my knowledge of chess is restricted. Mainly to what folks term “Western” or “european” chess. So if you’ve got some specialized knowledge on other cultures, go for it.

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