A Death Among my Friends

Someone I was very close to chose to end their life early. Near that end, she and I weren’t on speaking terms — her choice, not mine — as she tried to sort out some incredibly complicated things in her life.

I know she tried to reach out to me about a week ago but in a way where I couldn’t reply without dishonoring her explicit wishes (and don’t think that’s not going to haunt me for a while).

So just for me, for her, for today, reach out to someone you love. Hold them a little tighter. Let them know you love them a little more. That’s there’s some light in the world for them and that together we’re a bit stronger than when we’re alone.

For wherever she may be, having left this life, I hope she’s found the peace she was searching for. And that whatever force may be behind this beautiful little universe holds her tight and says “Welcome home.”

My heart grows heavier as it sifts through everything we shared, good and bad. It grows heavier as I meet with the people she cared for, burdened as they are with her death.

The universe is as kind as it is cruel. There’s been plenty of things telling me to hang in there. There has been support and offered support. And I know by keeping a person’s story they have a link to this side of the world.

I just ache…

And with every wave of emotion comes the fear / knowledge that this tide will ebb in time and how I feel, how I react to this will solely become a faded memory. And I hate that. I hate that people who impacted us and loved us will only live on deep in our bones and not by our sides.

But you can’t fault the world for turning and the universe for moving on. And I can’t stop loving the world and all the people in it. We’re all stories in the end — that’s the quote I remember.

My Zen dentist buddy will probably lecture me for hanging on to attachments for too long but this pain marks a person’s impact in my life. I don’t think I’ll ever be the kind of man who will grow tired of that trade.

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  1. Pingback: And a Time For Grieving... | William Thomas Maxwell

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