Transubstantiation and Zombie Jesus1 min read

A rare celestial alignment occurs and in a number of places, people hear what they say is a loud hum or trumpeting noise (and yes, both are caught on video).

Then… people start dying and coming back from the dead (and devouring the living).

Oh no! It’s a zombie apocalypse!

However, as it turns out, it’s -only- Catholics, and ONLY the ones who have done communion at the time of, or after the alignment / humming. And since the effect is delayed, plenty of people went to communion after the apocalypse started because “it must be the end of the world and we are being judged.”

Well… maybe.

See, the situation here is Jesus did return (trumpets, hum + a lot of boring mundane things like war, famine, plague, etc. that we’re all used to now). However, he was caught up in a drone raid on a suspected terrorist camp in the mountains and he’s buried. Buried deep. As in, no one is going to moving a stone to let Jesus out anytime soon.

So here’s poor immortal, starving, reborn Jesus trapped under the mountain. Ouch. No way to get out there. Except…

In the Catholic church, the rite of communion is based on something called transubstantiation. It’s the belief that the communion wafer and the communion wine literally turn into the flesh and blood of Jesus once the host is blessed and then administered to the believer. And here we have proof that the Catholics were right! Their ceremony does transform the host into the flesh and blood.

The flesh and blood of buried, starving Jesus.

Oops.

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