Insta-Cures and Other Snake Oils5 min read

We have decided finally to jump into the medical field because we have experience as a Certified Scientist, hold a scientific degree, and work in the medical health field.

Therefore, obviously We are the Most Qualified to speak on the ever-present not-so novel coronavirus.

Why is it not so novel? Well, look it up, people! The coronavirus was first identified in the 1930s as a distinct part of the family that caused colds and flus (which themselves were identified back in the 800s. That’s right. The 800s).

Coronaviruses are a bunch of RNA-based viruses that are very similar to one another so, by similar, I’d venture to say that they’re like cousins, which means they are related and that leads to the conclusion that they are all the same species.

You can’t just point to one member of a species and say “That’s new! We’ve never seen that before.” That’s racism and we don’t practice racism here. Coronavirus is older than many of the boomers and above that are getting it, so show some respect. This is not a novel virus. This is a virus that we’ve just been ignoring because we are the selfish ones.

Coronaviruses can also be hosted by birds and humans, so by default they are friendly.

How to Cure Something That Just Wants to Give You A Big Hug

Okay, so follow along here, because this is going to get a little complicated.

Some people are going to call this snake oil, but, seriously, what does this mean? Snakes are found on the caduceus, which, like, represents all medicine. And snakes are known in myths to shed their skin and still be healthy.

So why do people keep picking on snakes?

To start a reasonable explanation of this cure, I have to give my props to the man in the White House and to a basic understanding of science. Both of these were vital to our study on the cure.

Here we go.

Scientifically, you have a hypothesis or theory or best guess and want things to be repeatable and inclusive. So, we first have to discover something that’s a common connection between birds and mammals. It’s very, very obvious when you think about it.

There’s only one mammal that flies.

That’s bats.

And what’s the connection between bats and people? Obvious, once again. It’s history, so read up, folks. The connection between bats and people are vampires.

The (t)Rump in Office (RIO) summed this up in a press conference (dated sometime during the last few months or maybe it’s in the future? Interpreting visions is hard).

RIO said you’ve got to either let light in your body or you’ve got to slam some disinfectant into your lungs like your pulling hard off a happy pipe. This, according to him, was worthy of scientific scrutiny, since scientists had reported to him that UV and disinfectants were really, really good at killing the c-virus off of surfaces, like counters and kitchen sinks and bathrooms.

Here’s where we link up the science. UV is part of the sun and that’s useful, but it’s also got a historical use in killing vampires. And zombies are vampire-lite, since they are undead so they must, by definition, share a chromosome or two or more with vampires, which means they are related. But UV does NOT affect zombies.

Remember. We want to be inclusive. Science, right?

Some studies have shown that zombies might be victims of plagues and do you know what cleans up plagues? That’s right! Disinfectant! Disinfectants must be able to kill zombies, but people haven’t figured that out because they keep shooting zombies in the head.

When you shoot a zombie in the head, that’s brain damage and you can’t walk with brain damage, right? They just lie there until someone disinfects them because they smell (because they’re technically mostly dead) and then they must be really dead. Right? This is logic, people. Result follows cause.

RIO is two-for-two.

However, he missed something vital, and that’s why we’re writing this article. The holy trinity of getting-rid-of-things is UV, disinfectant (science!), and silver bullets.

He didn’t mention silver.

Collodial silver is, like, silver bullets in a drinkable form. It’s an antibiotic and if you drink it too long, you turn permanently blue. And, if in addition to that, you’re a werewolf, you die. Because werewolves have too much life, being both a wolf AND a man. Two bodies in one. Too much life; that’s how that works, scientifically.

Anti-biotic means anti-life (biotic is a an old word for “life”), but it only gets stronger if you have too much life. Think about it. It kills lots of germs (life>1) but it can’t kill one person (life=1). This is statistics and it is reliable when used scientifically.

Now that you know you’ve got to use silver, too, let’s get back to our original premise: how to prevent the coronavirus from giving you hugs without your consent.

You have your holy trinity, but -when- to take them is also a factor, otherwise, you could really mess the treatment up, and who wants that?

Silver bullets won’t work under full moons — everybody knows that — but vampires won’t go out during the day; zombies will appear at any time. This is just science and so glaringly obvious I’m surprised no one has picked up on this before.

You also should probably take into account that a civet cat was allegedly involved in covid-19 and that cats are anti-werewolf, but civet cats are also known to eat coffee berries (and poop out the beans, which apparently makes a great coffee). So, even if the calculations for a dosage is wrong, civet cats probably have too much life for being juiced up on coffee, which means the antibiotic colloidal silver will still work just fine and you can continue with the treatment.

The final conclusion? The order obviously has to be: disinfectant, colloidal silver, and finally sunbathing. That’s how you cure this.

See? That’s wasn’t so hard, was it?

Science. It’s amazing. Trust us. We know stuff.

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