Transcript from a Nazi Call Center

NOTE: Contains elements of implied racism, tone-policing, and outright gaslighting. Post is an amalgamation of multiple notable conversations which followed pretty much -exactly- this script (the last time was last night), with some wording altered for humor value.

The subject, recruitment to hate groups, is not funny though. Fuck Nazis.


CALLER 1: “Hello?”

CALL CENTER: “Hello! My name is [chose from a subset of innocuous / session-appropriate names, found in Appendix One]. Would you have the time to answer a couple of questions?”

CALLER 1: “Um. Sure.”

CALL CENTER: “Now, before we start, I just wanted you to know that I’ve been following your work for some time now and I’m so impressed. Really impressed. You’ve been doing a great job at the work.”

CALLER 1: “Ok.”

CALL CENTER: “So, this last [summary of last position or article posted] was pretty interesting. I got a lot out of it. However, I wanted to point out this one, very disturbing detail. Do you know that if you follow this to its logical conclusion, everyone would be considered evil?”

CALLER 1: “Well, I think the matter might be a bit more complex…”

CALL CENTER (interrupting): “Oh, I see. And is there any reason why you might have an opinion that differs from what is plainly posted?”

CALLER 1: “Ah! I have a personal history that makes this very relevant and, in the experience, this gets complex when…”

CALL CENTER (interrupting again): “Excuse me… just to clarify. Did you just basically minimize the dangerous point I was mentioning because of the color of your skin? That’s a little eye-opening and not what I expected.”

CALLER 2: “Wait… did I say that. I mean maybe you could imply…”

CALL CENTER (interruption, of course): “Look, I didn’t want to mention this before but I am a Recognized Expert ™ in this subject and I’m just trying to hold a rational, academic argument on the subject. I know, given this medium, how upset people can get, especially those who have a personal investment in the conversation, but I want you to know I’ll hold up my side of the rational discussion.”

CALLER 1: “Okay… I…”

CALL CENTER: “Hold that thought. I want to bring some other people into this who might be interested in the conversation.”

CALLER 1: “Really?!”

CALL CENTER 2 (the discerning friend): “Hi! I’ve know [Call Center name] for a long time. Heya, friend! Just wanted to let you know that I see what you’ve written and while there might be some general issues, you are just as clever and intelligent and rational as ever!”

CALL CENTER: “Thanks!”

CALLER 1: “Okay… sure. Just to be fair, I’ve got my cousin over here and they’ve got opinions.”

CALLER 1-2 (the busy cousin): “Hi. I’ve overheard part of this and while I don’t grasp all of it at the moment, I do think this is complex. Here’s where I see some problems and here’s a couple of examples to check out. Hope to come around to this later.”

CALL CENTER: “Glad to talk to you, [busy cousin] but I can plainly see you’re avoiding the question. It’s a simple yes/no answer. Do you accept this incredibly evil premise that’s implied by the original situation or not? It’s easy enough to answer.”

CALLER 1: “Now my sibling wants in on it.”

CALLER 1-3 (sibling with a lot of time): “Let me carefully analyze your entire thread so far, the original article, and its corresponding origins, provide examples, and present humorous anecdotes because it’s important to have that in this medium, which may not properly allow us to express ourselves.”

CALL CENTER: “‘Humorous anecdote’? Is that what you called that? You’re a monster, sir and a buffoon. I’m trying to bring up serious, rational arguments and you resort to name-calling and other shenanigans. I will have none of these personal attacks! I will not!”

CALLER 1-3 (sibling with a lot of time): …

CALLER 1: …

CALL CENTER: “And still my question can’t be solidly or rationally answered. What is it with people placing their own experiences above the logical truth? I’m going to have to ask my friend to come in and answer this.”

CALL CENTER 3 (the supportive expert): “I am an EXPERT in this thing, by my value of always DOING the thing. I am a [choose Male or Female] that embodies the BEST traits of the thing and of my gender (which is EITHER MALE OR FEMALE, because BIOLOGY, PEOPLE!). I have taught people the Thing and have had many subhumans come up and try to claim the Thing, but, heh… whatcha gonna do about those subhumans, amirite? Anyway my opinion is: [repeat opinion of CALLER 1-2 (the busy cousin) and CALLER 1-3 ( sibling with a lot of time ), scrubbing out any complex discussion of the material]. That is what me and my fabulous people have to say on the matter.

CALL CENTER: “That was fabulous. Just awe inspiring. I mean, honestly, why do people keep making this about race? This is about blood and soil. It fits in 8 words. It’s the tree that has deep roots which resists the storm.”

CALLER 1: “Wait… when did this become exclusively about race?”

CALL CENTER: “Well, it was after my first friend checked in, I said I was surprised to find out you were being so racist against white people and I asked if that’s how you really wanted to be pictured: as a white-hating person of color. You responded with ‘Okay… sure.'”

CALLER 1: “You never said that!”

CALL CENTER: “I did! I can send you the transcript and everything! WHY do you hate white people so much? Is it because your personal experience has clouded your JUDGEMENT?!”

CALL CENTER 3 (the ‘skin’): “Hello. I. Am. A. Person. Of. Color. And. I. Find. My. Friend. [Call Center name]. To. Be. Totally. Not-Racist.

CALLER 1: “This is completely out of control!”

CALL CENTER: “You’re completely out of control!”

CALLER 2 (shy): “Hi… I’ve been following this all along and, wow, this is an eye-opener. I’ve never seen Caller 1 act like this before. It’s made me question everything I thought I knew about them…

CALL CENTER: “Caller 1, please hold. Caller 2, hi! Would you be interested in hearing more about the Nazi Party?”

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